I’M BACK B*TCHES.

2056-original-awkwardsilence

OK. So let’s just go ahead and address the elephant in the room (or elephant in the blogspace… I guess)

I’ve been MIA. Not because I haven’t wanted to post, but things have just been constant chaos. As is for everybody. I’ve honestly been so focused on making money, maintaining my mental health, and making sure I can afford my lifestyle; that the things I love (like writing stupid antics on this blog) fell by the wayside. It’s an excuse and honestly, not cool. I had a conversation with somebody recently about how people make time for what’s important to them; and in retrospect it was like the pot calling the kettle black (or purple, to be PC) (also not sure if I was the pot or the kettle) ANYWAYS.

So, a quick update. I moved to California. I’ve been real busy self sabotaging relationships, you know the usual. Whilst also trying to figure out what I want out of life. What I want to be when I “grow up.”

When I first moved to California, I was a nightmare.. (let’s be honest, still kinda am) but, when I first moved here I was going out, drinking all the time and honestly just making bad decisions all around. Made toxic friends that did things I would never in my life imagine was even out there. (for context and comedy; a girl I met I found out was an escort, because she opened up and told me that she drives to Palm Springs every other weekend to sleep with a married man, with kids, CRAIG who likes to cross dress when they did, you know, the dirty..) LIKE WUT.

I then started distancing myself from toxic people, toxic situations, and things got a lot better. I started therapy from past traumas and got a lot of bad shit out that I should have dealt with years ago. I started looking at things differently. Life is what you make it. If you manifest happy shit, happy shit happens. ** not an exact science but kinda. **

REGARDLESS. Y’all know me. I’ve always got ridiculous shit happening and it’s been three years since I’ve updated y’all with my most recent degeneracy. Point being, there’s some good and mildly hilarious content coming. I made a commitment to spend more time on things that are important to me; and this is one of them. Hopefully all two of my followers are still around, if so big ups. Stay tuned for some hilarious stories / updates.

Good vibes only,

XOXO Brandi (also now nick-named The Branimal) .. don’t ask.

 

Make America Drunk Again

Let’s be real here.. i’m not going to miss seeing Toby Keith AND Three Doors Down. That being said, I figured let’s make the inauguration fun aka come up with a reason to get drunk & weird.

Step One: 

Get copious amounts of alcohol & solo cups because dishes suck and being lazy is always the way to go… am I right

Step Two:

If you have friends, invite them over. If not, drinking by yourself is always super fun too. Make sure you invite fun friends.. the person who is super political and bummed about the election is just going to be a debbie downer. This is a fun game about drinking.. and the presidential inauguration I guess.

Don’t buy food. Make your freeloader friends pick that shit up.

Now for the game:

Every time Trump said Mexicans: DRINK

Every time Trump says Make America Great Again: DRINK

Every time he refers to his super hot wife: DRINK

Every time you find yourself contemplating how many spray tans he must get to look that orange: DRINK

Every time you see his toupee move: DRINK (let’s be honest that shit isn’t moving I just really wanted to say something about his toupee)

Every time Trump makes this face: DRINK

trump7

.. Or this one

trump5

.. Or this one

US-VOTE-REPUBLICANS-DEBATE

Or this one…

trump6

Or this one…

trump

LOL JK

By now you should be prettttty drunk or at least well on your way.

You’re welcome.

Also, let me go ahead and say I don’t give a single shit about politics. I could care less who is in office and it really doesn’t affect me much unless we get nuked and everybody dies. Other than that, if my gay friends can get married, booze is legal & Netflix stays $8 a month I am alllll gravy baby. Don’t comment with anything negative or your annoying opinions about the election- I don’t care & nobody has time for that shiz.

Keep it weird, friends. Let’s Make America Drunk Again. 

Good vibes only,

XOXO Brandi

FASHION DIARIES || Baby, it’s really, really, super cold outside.

So, winter is in full swing here in “HOTlanta” (yeah…ok.) So you know I had to GTFO. These are some of my winter looks, along with some from my little weekend getaway to Miami (why isn’t it called HOTami or some shit..? You know, since it actually always IS HOT AS HELL down there.) Just wondering. Anyways, see below for some fashion inspiration for all my fashionistas. Since i’m super trendy and all.. Go with it.

Good Vibes Only,

XO Brandi

 

Company Christmas Party DO’S & DO NOT’S

Better late than never, right?

DO:

  1. Wear a super revealing dress. You know, leave nothing to the imagination.
  2. Bring your dog (at least dress him in a nice sweater.)
  3. Bring like seven people. Show up and yell “SQUAD” as loud as possible.
  4. Definitely get hammered.
  5. Get your dog hammered.
  6. Tell everybody how much you love the ‘Lardassians.’
  7. Scream “I WON!” after every drawing… even though you definitely didn’t.
  8. Flirt with your boss, always turns out well the following Monday.
  9. Eat ALL THE FOOD. All of it. Ask your boss for tupperware for the rest.
  10. Trash talk your boss after flirting to your co-workers.
  11. Post all your co-workers every move on social media
  12. Make it into a karaoke party. You got this, girl.
  13. Dance like nobody is watching. Seriously.
DO NOT:
  1. Regret anything
  2. Or take my advice, ever.
And for your viewing pleasure, I have added photos of my recent company holiday party. And yes, I dressed my dog in a nice holiday sweater.
Dress: @missguided
Belt: @missguided
Shoes: @valentino
Watch: @michaelkors
Photography: @chelseapatriciaphoto
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Dress @Missguided | Starring Nugget’s Ass.
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Dress @Missguided | Belt @ Missguided | Shoes @Valentino
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Shoes @Valentino
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Shoes @Valentino
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Getting Ready
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Pregame @Moet #vintage
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Pregame @Moet #vintage