I’M BACK B*TCHES.

2056-original-awkwardsilence

OK. So let’s just go ahead and address the elephant in the room (or elephant in the blogspace… I guess)

I’ve been MIA. Not because I haven’t wanted to post, but things have just been constant chaos. As is for everybody. I’ve honestly been so focused on making money, maintaining my mental health, and making sure I can afford my lifestyle; that the things I love (like writing stupid antics on this blog) fell by the wayside. It’s an excuse and honestly, not cool. I had a conversation with somebody recently about how people make time for what’s important to them; and in retrospect it was like the pot calling the kettle black (or purple, to be PC) (also not sure if I was the pot or the kettle) ANYWAYS.

So, a quick update. I moved to California. I’ve been real busy self sabotaging relationships, you know the usual. Whilst also trying to figure out what I want out of life. What I want to be when I “grow up.”

When I first moved to California, I was a nightmare.. (let’s be honest, still kinda am) but, when I first moved here I was going out, drinking all the time and honestly just making bad decisions all around. Made toxic friends that did things I would never in my life imagine was even out there. (for context and comedy; a girl I met I found out was an escort, because she opened up and told me that she drives to Palm Springs every other weekend to sleep with a married man, with kids, CRAIG who likes to cross dress when they did, you know, the dirty..) LIKE WUT.

I then started distancing myself from toxic people, toxic situations, and things got a lot better. I started therapy from past traumas and got a lot of bad shit out that I should have dealt with years ago. I started looking at things differently. Life is what you make it. If you manifest happy shit, happy shit happens. ** not an exact science but kinda. **

REGARDLESS. Y’all know me. I’ve always got ridiculous shit happening and it’s been three years since I’ve updated y’all with my most recent degeneracy. Point being, there’s some good and mildly hilarious content coming. I made a commitment to spend more time on things that are important to me; and this is one of them. Hopefully all two of my followers are still around, if so big ups. Stay tuned for some hilarious stories / updates.

Good vibes only,

XOXO Brandi (also now nick-named The Branimal) .. don’t ask.

 

Make America Drunk Again

Let’s be real here.. i’m not going to miss seeing Toby Keith AND Three Doors Down. That being said, I figured let’s make the inauguration fun aka come up with a reason to get drunk & weird.

Step One: 

Get copious amounts of alcohol & solo cups because dishes suck and being lazy is always the way to go… am I right

Step Two:

If you have friends, invite them over. If not, drinking by yourself is always super fun too. Make sure you invite fun friends.. the person who is super political and bummed about the election is just going to be a debbie downer. This is a fun game about drinking.. and the presidential inauguration I guess.

Don’t buy food. Make your freeloader friends pick that shit up.

Now for the game:

Every time Trump said Mexicans: DRINK

Every time Trump says Make America Great Again: DRINK

Every time he refers to his super hot wife: DRINK

Every time you find yourself contemplating how many spray tans he must get to look that orange: DRINK

Every time you see his toupee move: DRINK (let’s be honest that shit isn’t moving I just really wanted to say something about his toupee)

Every time Trump makes this face: DRINK

trump7

.. Or this one

trump5

.. Or this one

US-VOTE-REPUBLICANS-DEBATE

Or this one…

trump6

Or this one…

trump

LOL JK

By now you should be prettttty drunk or at least well on your way.

You’re welcome.

Also, let me go ahead and say I don’t give a single shit about politics. I could care less who is in office and it really doesn’t affect me much unless we get nuked and everybody dies. Other than that, if my gay friends can get married, booze is legal & Netflix stays $8 a month I am alllll gravy baby. Don’t comment with anything negative or your annoying opinions about the election- I don’t care & nobody has time for that shiz.

Keep it weird, friends. Let’s Make America Drunk Again. 

Good vibes only,

XOXO Brandi

Tinder for Girlfriends?

–So, I’ve heard a few people ask, why isn’t there a Tinder for girlfriends? I’m really curious why there isn’t. Like oh you watch Scandal? Me too. Your house or mine? You like red or white wine? Done.

But then I think of how girlfriends are these days and I realize why there isn’t. You can’t really trust anybody.

Maybe I’m biased, but if somebody I hold close is stranded on the side of the road in South Carolina, you’d better believe I’m going to get out of bed and go pick your ass up.

I hate how society has these standards of how girlfriends are, what they talk about, etc. I don’t have small talk with people that are part of my tribe. We have empowering conversations. We don’t talk behind each other’s backs, we have them covered if anything. Women empowering women, why isn’t there more of that shit?

These days some girls have become so catty, surface, and play dumb for attention because that’s what a man wants. Or at least that’s what you may think. I don’t care if my independence and intensity intimidates a man. If you can’t handle me, it wasn’t meant to be.

And no, your party friends are not your ‘good friends’ UNLESS you hang out outside of clubs and bars, and they know things about you others don’t. Unfortunately, most of your ‘party friends’ don’t know much at all about you, they are just a pretty face to go out with. It’s sad how surface things have become and I personally would much rather have a close knit group of friends who I can talk about life, business, goals, and self-growth ideas than ten thousand acquaintances ANY DAY of the week.

Women have been taught to be subdued in society and I’m loud and proud that I haven’t conformed. I’m not a crazy feminist, or anything. I’m just saying… us as women should look deeper and find those good connections that are going to help you grow as a person. Set goals, have a support system.

Women Empowering Women. Hell yeah, I support it. We need more of that.

Good Vibes Only,

XO Brandi

FASHION DIARIES || Baby, it’s really, really, super cold outside.

So, winter is in full swing here in “HOTlanta” (yeah…ok.) So you know I had to GTFO. These are some of my winter looks, along with some from my little weekend getaway to Miami (why isn’t it called HOTami or some shit..? You know, since it actually always IS HOT AS HELL down there.) Just wondering. Anyways, see below for some fashion inspiration for all my fashionistas. Since i’m super trendy and all.. Go with it.

Good Vibes Only,

XO Brandi

 

How to deal with cuffin’ season being single.

Be naughty, save Santa the trip. 


 

Cuffin’ Season: The season almost every human being on the planet ‘cuffs’ themselves to a significant other for the holidays.. blah, blah.

You know the second you walk into Thanksgiving or Christmas you are going to have to endure an invasion of questions about babies, significant others and why you insist on living at home alone with your cat. I have a few tips. If you’re single during the holiday season and sick of seeing people getting engaged on social media, getting married and having babies:

Step One: Crawl under the covers

Step Two: Stay there

Just kidding. But in all reality, my defense mechanism is to divert the conversation to bunnies, or unicorns.

If you are like me, you can also do my go-to. Stuff a large amount of food in your mouth and just nod at them until they go away. I also will point out the fact that I already have a child, even though he is ten years old, 12 pounds and covered in fur who are you to judge? It totally counts.

Good Vibes Only,

XO Brandi